Christmas Every Day

A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers.

Be the first to the field and last to the couch.

Do not employ handsome servants.

A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man perfected without trials.

Dig the well before you are thirsty.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, fear only standing still.

Don’t open a shop unless you like to smile.

He who is drowned is not troubled by the rain.

• Never wear a hat with more character than you.

• Never sleep with anyone crazier than you.

• Always get the extended warranty on a laptop.

• The quality of the professor is more important than the subject.

• To time a speech (in minutes) divide the word count by 150.

• Snapshots preserve memories. Videos replace them.

I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
— Jon Stewart

• May you live in interesting times.
• May you come to the attention of the authorities.
• May you find what you are looking for.

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

— Karl Marx

A true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death – the huge solace of thinking that for our betrayals, greed, cowardice, murders we are not going to be judged.

— Czesław Miłosz

He who gets married will be happy for a day, he who butchers a pig will be happy for a year.

The abbot and thirty monks couldn’t force a donkey to drink.

Three things are needed to get rich: a little, a lot, a nothing: little money, much ability, no conscience.

If water were any good, it wouldn’t be used to water cucumbers.

If you want to live to an old age, you need to start early.

For good health never wash your head, wash your hands often and your feet rarely.

Don’t choose a woman or cloth by candlelight.

– Sicilian proverbs

• You’re correct, but the goat is mine.
• He who sleeps cannot catch fish.
• He who leaves and then returns, had a good trip.
• A closed mouth catches neither flies nor food.
• If you own two houses, it is raining in one of them.
• Company drags a man to the scaffold.
• He who lives fast goes straight to his death.
•  Hunger drives the wolf from its den.
• Theory dominates practice.
• If a caged bird isn’t singing for love, it’s singing in a rage.
• An open path never seems long.
• A fine rain still soaks you to the bone, but no one takes it seriously.
• What can a cat do if its master is crazy.
• Words have no bones, but can break bones.
•  A thin cat and a fat woman are the shame of a household.

— Corsican proverbs

• In late Victorian times, proper ladies refused to use the word “leg,” so as to avoid mentioning the delicate subject of stilts.

• Pertinax was the first Roman emperor to hop on one foot for more than three hours straight.

• Most Nativity scenes displayed at Christmas are risibly inaccurate, because they leave out the obstetrician.

• All other Russian names that begin with the letter Ч are transliterated with a Ch in English, but Tchaikovsky’s name is transliterated with a Tch. The anomaly is due to the acrimony of Tchaikovsky’s enemies in the English-speaking music press, who wished to make sure that Tchaikovsky’s name would always appear last in alphabetical lists of Russian composers.

— Dr. Boli’s Encyclopedia of Misinformation

INFORMATION, we like to tell ourselves, is our most valuable commodity. Yet a cursory glance at the world today will show us that our deeds give the lie to our words. For our purposes we may define “information” as true knowledge of the state of things, and it is clear that we actively despise such knowledge. Has any nation ever gone to war, any hotly contested election been won, any grave question of public policy ever been decided on the basis of information? Certainly not.

No, when we face our most important decisions, the choices that will change our lives forever, MISINFORMATION is what we demand. We reward the purveyors of misinformation with high office and public honor; we punish the bringers of information with scorn and derision, and frequently prison or torture.

— Dr. Boli

• A gentle word opens an iron gate.
• God promises a safe landing but not a calm passage.
• If you call a single wolf, you invite the pack.
• If you can kiss the mistress, never kiss the maid.
• If you let everyone walk over you, you become a carpet.
• If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water.
• When the sea turned into honey, the poor man lost his spoon.
• Even the madman runs away from the drunk.

— Bulgarian proverbs

• If you meet a Bulgarian in the street, beat him. He will know why.

— Russian proverb