Christmas Every Day

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you’re not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I…
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I’ve heard ’em all. “I like you as a friend.” “I think we should see other people.” “I don’t speak English.” “I’m married to the sea.” “I don’t wanna kill you, but I will.” … Six simple words: “I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.”

“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever…Thy will be done.”

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don’t have to do squat.

• Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

“Two, four, six, eight, Homer’s crime was very great! ‘Great’ meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!”

I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three: “It was like that when I got here.”

Or in Spanish: