Christmas Every Day

• If God didn’t want me to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you’d step over your own mother just to get one!

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

— Mark Twain

Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.

–Donald Trump

Happiness in this world, when it comes, comes incidentally. Make it the object of pursuit, and it leads us a wild-goose chase, and is never attained. Follow some other object, and very possibly we may find that we have caught happiness without dreaming of it.

— Nathaniel Hawthorne

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

— Ernest Hemingway

No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.
— Chuck Palahniuk