Christmas Every Day

• Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we’ll go inside and watch TV.

Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you’re not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I…
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I’ve heard ’em all. “I like you as a friend.” “I think we should see other people.” “I don’t speak English.” “I’m married to the sea.” “I don’t wanna kill you, but I will.” … Six simple words: “I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.”

“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever…Thy will be done.”

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don’t have to do squat.