Christmas Every Day

If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. 
– – -Linda Furney

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it. 
– – -George Burns

“Start by writing a nasty song about him, have your record come out all over the world, then make out with some hot bearded dude.”

— Ke$sha

“I’d like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.”

— Stephen Colbert

“Those of you who are graduating this afternoon with high honor, awards and distinction, well done. And as I like to tell the C-students, you too can be President.”

— George W. Bush

Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.
– – -Kevin Bacon

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! 
– – -Tommy Smothers

Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge, the other guy’s out dancing. 
– – -Buddy Hackett

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup. 
– – -Norm Crosby

He who slings mud generally loses ground. 
– – -Adlai Stevenson (who was beaten twice for the presidency by Dwight Eisenhower)