Christmas Every Day

On December 23, 1927 Santa Claus robbed the First National Bank in Cisco, Texas. Dressed as St. Nick, Marshall Ratliff and three undisguised companions looted the bank and took hostages but were greeted by police and heavily-armed townspeople when they emerged from the building. In the shoot-out that followed, two officers and a bandit were mortally wounded. Though Ratliff and his two remaining partners temporarily escaped after a series of car-jackings and hostage takings, they were forced to abandon the stolen money and were all rounded up within a week.

The erstwhile Santa, who killed again in a failed escape attempt, was eventually taken from his jail cell by an angry mob and lynched. A piece of the rope used in the impromptu hanging is on display in the Callahan County Courthouse in Baird, Texas.

In Central Europe St Thomas Day was a time for driving out demons by making loud noises, cracking whips, letting off fireams or ringing bells — all while wearing horrible masks — or by using incense and holy water and saying the rosary. St Thomas himself was said in Bohemia to ride at midnight in a chariot of fire to the graveyard where he met the spirits of all the dead men named Thomas; there he blessed them and disappeared as they returned to their graves.

 In other parts of Europe it was a time for schools to be breaking up for the Christmas vacation, an opportunity for social inversion, barring-out of teachers or extorting treats from them. “Thomas Donkey” is the title given to the last to wake up or who comes late to work on Thomas Day in some parts of Germany. In Norway it was once the custom for all preparatory work for the Christmas season to be completed by St Thomas Day. A two-week’s supply of wood for the stove had to be ready, else the saint would come and take away the axe; all baking and brewing had to be finished lest a string of kitchen mishaps take place.

Here is a basket of holiday stinkers.

Jim Carrey’s 2009 version of A Christmas Carol. A star-studded cast is wasted as Carrey plays multiple parts, all of them with atrocious English accents. Those of you who thought Charles Dickens didn’t put in enough carriage chases into his novella will find them here.

Star Wars Holiday Special (1978). OK, technically it’s about Life Day, the Wookiee festival which Han Solo and Chewie want to make it home for. This film is so deliciously, excruciatingly awful — Bea Arthur sings! Harvey Korman as an alien chef! — that George Lucas yanked it and threw it down the memory hole. It exists on the Web, so enjoy.

A Very Murray Christmas (2015). Unforgiveable. Absolutely unforgiveable. Bill Murray can be a comedic genius but this self-indulgent piece of dreck is going to earn him a few more millennia in Purgatory. And I’ve never been fond of him in Scrooged either.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) — the only way to enjoy this stink-fest is by seeing the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version.

Santa With Muscles (1996). Two words: Hulk Hogan.

Santa Claus (1959). A Mexican epic with Santa Claus, played by José Elías Moreno, battling demonic forces (clad in scary red tights and puffy shorts) and bad boys to continue his works of goodness. Luckily he is aided by Merlin and is able to triumph in the end.

There is a host of wonderful Christmas movies out there, so watch out for these.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965). You could love it just for the jazz score alone but Linus’s fearless proclamation of the gospel Nativity story makes it a winner.

Miracle on 34th Street, the 1947 version, not the 1955, 1973, or 1994 remakes.

Christmas in Connecticut, with Barbara Stanwyck (1945) definitely not the Kris Kristofferson/Dyan Cannon

Mon Oncle Antoine, (1971) one Christmas Eve in rural Quebec in the 1940s.

Ernest Saves Christmas (1985). Call me a naive, sentimental fool but I love Jim Varney.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992). Rizzo the Rat as Charles Dickens. Michael Caine is great as Scrooge.

Trading Places (1983). Eddie Murray, Dan Ackroyd, Denholm Elliot, Don Ameche, Ralph Bellamy, Jamie-Lee Curtis, laughter and justice.

Remember the Night (1940). Ha! Fooled you again. You thought I was going to say It’s a Wonderful Life, didn’t you? Well, no. Much as I like the James Stewart movie, it’s not a Christmas film anymore than Bruce Willis’s Die Hard is.

This is a dandy rom-com starring Fred McMurray and Barbara Stanwyk. McMurray is an up-and-coming prosecutor who takes pity on an accused shoplifter and takes her home to Indiana for the holidays. Hearts are melted, American values are reaffirmed, and the power of Christmas is asserted.

You must not, as I have done to my shame, confuse this with A Night to Remember which being about the sinking of the Titanic is much less jolly.

Rare Exports (2010).  I know. You are saying to yourself, “What?! Has Bowler taken leave of his senses? How can he place this obscure Finnish comedy-horror movie so high in the pantheon of Christmas films?” Because it’s that good. Forget It’s A Wonderful Life, Christmas Story, The Santa Clause, and Miracle on 34th St for a moment and cast your peepers on this. It’s full of love, lore, humour, sacrifice and, best of all, a look at the scary Christmas figures that we have tried to forget once ruled the darkest time of the year. Not for little kids but pre-teens will enjoy it.

A Christmas Carol (1951) They don’t get any better than this. Alastair Sim is the definitive Scrooge and anyone else who attempts the part should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. Sim’s Scrooge is a grim and shrivelled miser, miserable in his petty economies and cruel to those who imagine that generosity is anything else but a form of weakness. His experiences at the hands of the Spirits of Christmas are harrowing — this is, after all, a ghost story — they wrench the emotions and lead to changes that redeem the old sinner and lift the hearts of audiences.

Director Brian Desmond-Hurst’s settings in foggy and candle-lit London are masterful and the best argument for leaving black-and-white films in their original state. (Avoid the garishly-tinted colourized version that appears too frequently on television screens.) This motion picture was titled Scrooge in the U.K. 

Sim and Michael Hordern (Marley’s ghost) repeated their roles in a 1972 animated version directed by Chuck Jones and narrated by Michael Redgrave which won an Oscar for best short animation.

The pet of the ogre Gryla in Icelandic folklore. According to a rather peculiar piece of folk wisdom, those who do not get an item of new clothing for Christmas are liable to be eaten by this monstrous feline. The explanation is that all those who helped get the year’s spinning and knitting done would be rewarded with clothing but the lazy would not. The Christmas Cat was therefore an inducement to hard work and cooperation.

The parents of the Jólasveinar are Gryla and Leppaludi, cannibals of whom it is impossible to say anything nice. The tales of these ogres were so blood-chilling that the Danish government which ruled Iceland in the eighteenth century legislated in 1746 against using these stories to frighten children.

Many people today, Christian and non-Christian alike, complain about the commercialism and degradation of Christmas. In a 380 Christmas sermon, Gregory of Nazianzen, the archbishop of Constantinople, decried the way the Romans behaved during their late December celebrations:

Let us not put wreaths on our front doors, or assemble troupes of dancers, or decorate the streets. Let us not feast the eyes, or mesmerize the sense of hearing, or make effeminate the sense of smell, or prostitute the sense of taste, or gratify the sense of touch. These are ready paths to evil, and entrances of sin … Let us not assess the bouquets of wines, the concoctions of chefs, the great cost of perfumes. Let earth and sea not bring us as gifts the valued dung, for this is how I know to evaluate luxury. Let us not strive to conquer each other in dissoluteness. For to me all that is superfluous and beyond need is dissoluteness, particularly when others are hungry and in want, who are of the same clay and composition as ourselves. But let us leave these things to the Greeks and to Greek pomp and festivals.