Christmas Every Day

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

“Two, four, six, eight, Homer’s crime was very great! ‘Great’ meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!”

I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three: “It was like that when I got here.”

Or in Spanish:

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else … And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

Marge: We don’t think you’re slow. But on the other hand, it’s not like you go to museums or read books or anything.

Homer: Do you think I don’t want to? It’s those TV networks Marge. They won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once – just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won’t, they won’t let me live.

What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as “The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.”

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

• If God didn’t want me to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.