2015 Winner, Historical Fiction:
With his lamp giving off a dull yellow glow General Washington sat up late into the night contemplating his problems: Not enough food, not enough clothing, not enough men, and that idiot Private Doodle who kept putting feathers in his cap and calling it macaroni.— Dan Leyde, Shoreline, WA
Dishonorable Mentions, Crime/Detective:
2015 Runner-Up, Children’s Literature:
Shortly after that interfering do-gooder Snow White had introduced Sneezy to non-drowsy antihistamines, he had to change his name to Brian, where he then left the mines with Ray (formerly Sleepy) who was now a caffeine addict and Bob (formerly Grumpy) who was on 100 milligrams of Prozac a day, and Doc whom Snow pointed out had never actually graduated from medical school and was being sued for malpractice–oh how he despised that high and mighty ho.— Hwei Oh, Sydney, Australia
2015 Winner, Children’s Literature:
The doctors all agreed the inside of Charlie’s intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city, blackened polyps hanging from every corner like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs, waiting to burst forth in cancerous activity; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm this was home. — E. David Moulton, Summerville, SC
From 2015, an award-winning piece of bad writing:
Ozymandias looked upon his mighty statue and despaired, amazed that the sculptors could have gotten his nose so wrong and wishing the darned thing would just crumble into pieces and blow across the lone and level sands, but leaving his legs since they were actually rather flattering. — Margaret Stein, Omaha, NE
More prized bad writing:
The life of a mountain man like Jedediah Buckman is a simple one, a campfire to warm the person as well as the soul, a full moon to illuminate the forest as well as the mind, and game to nourish the body as well as the spirit, though one wonders how he could stomach beaver without mint jelly and a bold, young pinot noir. — John Hardi, Falls Church, VA
The Winner of the Horror Category in the 2016 Bad Writing Contest
A cold wind arose from the moss-covered tomb with a haunting asthmatic whistle and horned its way around the ornate marble monuments, increasing speed and raising its menacing sound as it set course towards five-year-old Samantha Wainberry, who forgot to wear a sweater.
— Domingo Pestano, Caracas, Venezuela
More from the 2016 Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest:
Winner, Historical Fiction:
It was the worst of times, although I suppose if I were really pressed I could come up with a time in history even worse than the French Revolution, such as the Black Death, to name but one, but on the other hand it has to be said that it was also the best of times, particularly for those of us that were rich and living in England rather than France.
— Michael D. Hill, Burton, England
“It was a dark and stormy night”. These now-clichéd words were penned by Sir Arthur Bulwer-Lytton, a famous 19th-century novelist who gave us The Last Days of Pompeii. Now, however, he is the namesake of a contest for the world’s worst opening sentence. Hundreds of contestants from around the world submit their own efforts in various genres and become, for a moment, famous. This month we will feature some of these classic duds.
Here is the 2016 Winner in the Children’s Literature section:
When your home smells like a three-week-old buffalo carcass, your Mom is constantly being mistaken for a guy, and your sisters keep using your ears as their personal chew toys, life is no laughing matter—at least that’s how it seemed to Hubert, the baby Hyena.
— Anna McDougald, Winnipeg, Manitoba
A time traveller walks into a bar.