Christmas Every Day

A writer who says that there are no truths, or that all truth is merely relative, is asking you not to believe him. So don’t. Deconstruction deconstructs itself, and disappears up its own behind, leaving only a disembodied smile and a faint smell of sulphur.  – Roger Scruton, Modern Philosophy: An Introduction and Survey, 1994

Bart: We want the truth.

Sideshow Bob: You can’t handle the truth! No truth-handler, you. BAH! I deride your truth-handling abilities. 

– “Sideshow Bob Roberts”, The Simpsons, 1995

One must visit a wise man from time to time to learn what one already knows. – Robertson Davies (1913-95)

It is impossible for anyone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows. – Epictetus, Discourses (c. 50-c.135)

The adjective “modern”’, when applied to any branch of art, means “designed to evoke incomprehension, anger, boredom or laughter”. – Philip Larkin, All That Jazz, 1985

I don’t know what art is, but I do know what it isn’t. And it isn’t someone walking around with a salmon over his shoulder, or embroidering the name of everyone they have slept with on the inside of a tent. – Brian Sewell, Independent, 26 April, 1999

A cow and calf are cut in half/ And placed in separate cases/ To call it art, however smart/ Casts doubt on art’s whole basis. – Anonymous, in Spectator, 5 July 2003

The existence of St Sophia is atmospheric; that of St Peter’s, overpoweringly, imminently substantial. One is a church to God: the other a salon for his agents. – Robert Byron, The Road to Oxiana, 2007

After all they were a democracy; and, as Thucydides fully recognizes, a great mass of men, if it does commit infamies, likes first to be drugged and stimulated with lies: it seldom, like the wicked man in Aristotle’s Ethics, “calmly sins.” – Gilbert Murray, Euripides and His Age, 1946

Any nineteen-year-old can make love without Wordsworth. Like sexual enhancement drugs, poetry is necessary only after fifty. – Will Willimon, Accidental Preacher, 2019

The parable of Pythagoras is dark, but true: Cor ne edito – Eat not the heart. Certainly if a man would give it a hard phrase, those that lack friends to open themselves unto are cannibals of their own hearts. But one thing is most admirable (wherewith I will conclude this first fruit of friendship), which is, that this communicating of a man’s self to his friend, works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in halves. For there is no man, that imparteth his joys to his friend, but he joyeth the more; and no man that imparteth his griefs to his friend, but he grieveth the less. – Francis Bacon, “Friendship”, Essays, 1625

Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. – Mr. Burns, “The Old Man and the Lisa”, The Simpsons, 1997

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face, forever. – George Orwell, 1984

Wherever there is a jackboot stomping on a human face there will be a well-heeled Western liberal to explain that the face does, after all, enjoy free health care and 100 percent literacy. – John Derbyshire, National Review, 2000

Thank you for stopping. You have obviously found me unconscious by the side of the road, or at a party, or possibly propped up against a wall someplace, and you have wisely reached into my pocket and found this medical advisory. If you found other things in my pockets, kindly do not read or keep them. They are none of your business and/or do not belong to you. And remember that, even though I am unconscious now, when I wake up I will remember the things I had. If I am wearing a tie, please loosen it. But, again, do not take it off and keep it. It is not yours and is probably more expensive than you can afford. If I am not wearing a tie, look around at the other people who have gathered to look at me and see if any of them is wearing a tie that might belong to me. If so, please approach that individual and ask for my tie back. If he says it is his, say you do not think so. If he insists, give him one of the cards (in the same pocket where you found this note) of my attorney, and tell the person he will be hearing from him soon.  

– Jack Handey, “Thank You for Stopping”, 1999