Christmas Every Day

“Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever…Thy will be done.”

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don’t have to do squat.

• Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back … unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else – and it hasn’t – it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

“Two, four, six, eight, Homer’s crime was very great! ‘Great’ meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!”

I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one: “Cover for me.” Number two: “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three: “It was like that when I got here.”

Or in Spanish:

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else … And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.