Christmas Every Day

“Those of you who are graduating this afternoon with high honor, awards and distinction, well done. And as I like to tell the C-students, you too can be President.”

— George W. Bush

Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.
– – -Kevin Bacon

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! 
– – -Tommy Smothers

Don’t carry a grudge. While you’re carrying the grudge, the other guy’s out dancing. 
– – -Buddy Hackett

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup. 
– – -Norm Crosby

He who slings mud generally loses ground. 
– – -Adlai Stevenson (who was beaten twice for the presidency by Dwight Eisenhower)

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
– -Dorothy Parker

One prefers, of course, on all occasions to be stainless and above reproach, but, failing that, the next best thing is unquestionably to have got rid of the body.

— PG Wodehouse

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
– – -George Burns

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : “I’m cheap!”
– -Delta Burke