Christmas Every Day

I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters.

It’s shift work.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said “Thanks.”

I said “Don’t mention it.”

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said “Thanks.”

I said “Don’t mention it.”

She was only

a submariner’s daughter, but, oh, the depths she would sink to.

a milkmaid’s daughter, but what a dairy air!

a plumber’s daughter but she sure gave my heart a wrench.

More from the 2016 Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest:

Eleanor had doubts, as well she should have had, and in truth no one knew the repercussions which might result, yet she felt proud in her way to have been selected to be the first person ever to turn on an “electric light” switch, the woman who would be celebrated forever in history, or fried, which in fact she was, though the inventors combined to hush it up.

— John Holmes, St. Petersburg, FL

She was only …

an ironmongers daughter, but she sure made a bolt for the door.

a butcher’s daughter, but there wasn’t much more she could loin.

a moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her still.

She was only a …

jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure.

a Platonist’s daughter, but she was always in perfect form.

a parasitologist’s daughter, but she wormed her way into my heart.